forever meant nothing to you.
I am not a depressed soul, I hardly ever feel down, Even though at this point in time I feel great sadness I am still constantly smiling. Watching leaves fall from the trees or a blue sky makes me smile. I truly am so blessed in life and I would never take that for granted, however, I am a soul. I am made up of cells and feelings.
He drew me to him so fast and hard. I became obsessed straight from the word go. Nothing could have stopped it. I spoke to him from the end of May till the very start of July over the Internet. He is a friend with a lot of my close friends so he was a distant acquaintance. We spoke for about 4 - 6weeks. Never anything sexual or anything like that, as I was not single, I fell for him though pretty much from the beginning. I think it was the fresh vibrant attention that made me feel crazy. It was so intense. It consumed me whole. I ended up visiting him late June. It was like a dream. I was in a dream state. Everything did not seem real. I almost felt numb but at the same time I felt so alive. He was air to me. I could not function because everything I am went into being obsessed with him. I flew to Melbourne back and forth from Brisbane almost too many times to count within a month. It was such an adventure it was real. I ended up moving here in July and I moved straight in with him. It was amazing. It felt so right that it was almost wrong. The guilt I felt though was unbearable. While I lay curled up in his arms in bliss another was having his heart pulled out and stomped on until it was non-existent. I don’t think I can ever really feel okay with that. Its something I think about every day. I don’t regret anything though. I wish I did everything better but I do not regret the path I chose because now I am a different person. I am evolving every day and I shed a layer of skin and grow a new one every time I wake up to a new day. I feel like I'm just starting to touch the surface of whom I am.
This is a very shortcut way of telling you about the situation but like I have said in my earlier posts on my blog, I really could not ever really tell every detail or every feeling because that is simply impossible. I have lived in Melbourne for almost a year but it feels like one day.
Things didn’t just fall apart when I arrived, quite the opposite. I didn’t think what have I done!? I felt amazing, although if you could see past my shell you would see that I was holding a lot of guilt and I did look over my should at my past almost every day. Its not that I regretted it because I didn’t, its that I felt I left a path of destruction behind and if you knew me you would understand I simply could not deal with that. I hate having enemies and I hate hurting people, yet I had hurt the person I had loved the most all my life. In saying that though, nothing could take me away from the reason I moved to Melbourne. He was my everything. I felt sick thinking about losing him. He consumed my soul, every single micro fiber.
We hung out 24/7 and it felt extremely weird to be without him. He was my safe house my shelter from everything I knew I had left behind. He made me feel beyond amazing. He was my drug. We never really had a yelling fight or even really a fight. It was more of a sadness that I know we both felt because I could not let go of things or do things right.
Every day we spent together was unique. It always felt amazing. It always felt like a dream. Sometimes I resented him because I felt he didn’t see the world through my eyes. He would tell me I lived in a dreamland. He would constantly reality check me and to be honest even though I felt resentment at times I also loved it. I always felt he meant the best for me and I always looked up to him and tried to follow in his steps and learn from him, he is so intelligent and driven, he is a provider and he would honestly go to the ends of the earth for me or any girl he ends up with. I loved him & I was infatuated! Every day with him was a blessing and I will hold on to every precious little memory. I loved the way he was about reality and I loved the way I was a dreamer. It was a good mix. I know we nourished each other’s soul. It was just something unspoken; we just got each other even though sometimes it felt we didn’t.
We did have the highest highs but with that comes the lowest lows. It wasn’t that we fought or even had big fights. It was just like hitting a wall that we both, equally, so badly wanted to get over. We actually hated wasting any of our time to something negative. We both would get sad because we didn’t understand why it would be so hard at times but I know it was I. I stumbled over my past while my future was becoming blurred. He tried his best. He tried to make it work, many of times. I almost felt in control of my love for him by not letting it be smooth sailing. So very selfish I know. I cant explain why I would want to be in control of something so rad but if you have ever fallen so hard for something that it made you feel crazy or loved something so much that you would choose it over air then maybe you would understand why I wanted to control it. To free-fall is fucking scary. It scared the life out of me, the way I felt for him made me sick. I would sometimes think to myself, get a grip. I don’t know if anyone will truly understand the shoes I walk in and I am sure I would not understand yours.
To be with someone from 15 and grow up with them has a lasting impact on you, forever. You never truly let go because in a way that is your childhood and it is a part of you. I never wanted to hurt either of them. I never wanted for it to end up like this but this is my conviction and I will bare it for it will make me a better soul.
I wish I were more honest with what is inside. I have just started being honest to myself and the feelings I have which I have very much tried to keep bottled up and push down to the deepest pits of my heart. I know that the person I was with him was very much me but also very much not me. I think if I didn’t have my past I would have never ever done the things I did. I would have never let him go. I would have never given him a shadow of a doubt. I would have given him my all and I would have done everything in my power to treat him well and make him feel like he had found his soul mate. The way I did things was destructive and I did them so I could write my own fate. Like I said, I felt in control in a situation where I felt my feelings were so out of control. I know ill never do the things I did again.
Whoever I spend my life with I will treat like the most precious gold a man could have. I will never let myself destroy myself again. I know from this day forward I am going to be my words and I will let go of everything. I have let go of both of them. I know everything is going to turn out just fine and I will end up in exactly the right place. I love that I can write these things and smile and feel warm. Even though its all said and done I know tomorrow brings a new meaning.
He drew me to him so fast and hard. I became obsessed straight from the word go. Nothing could have stopped it. I spoke to him from the end of May till the very start of July over the Internet. He is a friend with a lot of my close friends so he was a distant acquaintance. We spoke for about 4 - 6weeks. Never anything sexual or anything like that, as I was not single, I fell for him though pretty much from the beginning. I think it was the fresh vibrant attention that made me feel crazy. It was so intense. It consumed me whole. I ended up visiting him late June. It was like a dream. I was in a dream state. Everything did not seem real. I almost felt numb but at the same time I felt so alive. He was air to me. I could not function because everything I am went into being obsessed with him. I flew to Melbourne back and forth from Brisbane almost too many times to count within a month. It was such an adventure it was real. I ended up moving here in July and I moved straight in with him. It was amazing. It felt so right that it was almost wrong. The guilt I felt though was unbearable. While I lay curled up in his arms in bliss another was having his heart pulled out and stomped on until it was non-existent. I don’t think I can ever really feel okay with that. Its something I think about every day. I don’t regret anything though. I wish I did everything better but I do not regret the path I chose because now I am a different person. I am evolving every day and I shed a layer of skin and grow a new one every time I wake up to a new day. I feel like I'm just starting to touch the surface of whom I am.
This is a very shortcut way of telling you about the situation but like I have said in my earlier posts on my blog, I really could not ever really tell every detail or every feeling because that is simply impossible. I have lived in Melbourne for almost a year but it feels like one day.
Things didn’t just fall apart when I arrived, quite the opposite. I didn’t think what have I done!? I felt amazing, although if you could see past my shell you would see that I was holding a lot of guilt and I did look over my should at my past almost every day. Its not that I regretted it because I didn’t, its that I felt I left a path of destruction behind and if you knew me you would understand I simply could not deal with that. I hate having enemies and I hate hurting people, yet I had hurt the person I had loved the most all my life. In saying that though, nothing could take me away from the reason I moved to Melbourne. He was my everything. I felt sick thinking about losing him. He consumed my soul, every single micro fiber.
We hung out 24/7 and it felt extremely weird to be without him. He was my safe house my shelter from everything I knew I had left behind. He made me feel beyond amazing. He was my drug. We never really had a yelling fight or even really a fight. It was more of a sadness that I know we both felt because I could not let go of things or do things right.
Every day we spent together was unique. It always felt amazing. It always felt like a dream. Sometimes I resented him because I felt he didn’t see the world through my eyes. He would tell me I lived in a dreamland. He would constantly reality check me and to be honest even though I felt resentment at times I also loved it. I always felt he meant the best for me and I always looked up to him and tried to follow in his steps and learn from him, he is so intelligent and driven, he is a provider and he would honestly go to the ends of the earth for me or any girl he ends up with. I loved him & I was infatuated! Every day with him was a blessing and I will hold on to every precious little memory. I loved the way he was about reality and I loved the way I was a dreamer. It was a good mix. I know we nourished each other’s soul. It was just something unspoken; we just got each other even though sometimes it felt we didn’t.
We did have the highest highs but with that comes the lowest lows. It wasn’t that we fought or even had big fights. It was just like hitting a wall that we both, equally, so badly wanted to get over. We actually hated wasting any of our time to something negative. We both would get sad because we didn’t understand why it would be so hard at times but I know it was I. I stumbled over my past while my future was becoming blurred. He tried his best. He tried to make it work, many of times. I almost felt in control of my love for him by not letting it be smooth sailing. So very selfish I know. I cant explain why I would want to be in control of something so rad but if you have ever fallen so hard for something that it made you feel crazy or loved something so much that you would choose it over air then maybe you would understand why I wanted to control it. To free-fall is fucking scary. It scared the life out of me, the way I felt for him made me sick. I would sometimes think to myself, get a grip. I don’t know if anyone will truly understand the shoes I walk in and I am sure I would not understand yours.
To be with someone from 15 and grow up with them has a lasting impact on you, forever. You never truly let go because in a way that is your childhood and it is a part of you. I never wanted to hurt either of them. I never wanted for it to end up like this but this is my conviction and I will bare it for it will make me a better soul.
I wish I were more honest with what is inside. I have just started being honest to myself and the feelings I have which I have very much tried to keep bottled up and push down to the deepest pits of my heart. I know that the person I was with him was very much me but also very much not me. I think if I didn’t have my past I would have never ever done the things I did. I would have never let him go. I would have never given him a shadow of a doubt. I would have given him my all and I would have done everything in my power to treat him well and make him feel like he had found his soul mate. The way I did things was destructive and I did them so I could write my own fate. Like I said, I felt in control in a situation where I felt my feelings were so out of control. I know ill never do the things I did again.
Whoever I spend my life with I will treat like the most precious gold a man could have. I will never let myself destroy myself again. I know from this day forward I am going to be my words and I will let go of everything. I have let go of both of them. I know everything is going to turn out just fine and I will end up in exactly the right place. I love that I can write these things and smile and feel warm. Even though its all said and done I know tomorrow brings a new meaning.
kind words.
The free soul is rare, but you know it when you see it - basically because you feel good, very good, when you are near or with them.
I feel that when I read your words and comments, Becky. Very refreshing and inspiring. You have LOADS to give.
Remember: what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. If you're losing your soul and you know it, then you've still got a soul left to lose. :)
I feel that when I read your words and comments, Becky. Very refreshing and inspiring. You have LOADS to give.
Remember: what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. If you're losing your soul and you know it, then you've still got a soul left to lose. :)
Email from GB <3
no words, just feelings.
"If we were to go through our life without any obstacles, we would be crippled."
When the veil of darkness has draped itself around your life and concealed the tears of your pain and despair, when the destiny you had envisaged has all but faded like water amongst the golden sands of the desert, when you stand alone in your hour of adversity and need and no-one is willing to stand beside you, when the battles within your life are on the verge of defeat and ruin, when you are in exile within your own mind, when your heart is empty and is merely watered by the tears of your agonized and anguished soul.
When you feel like a bird caged behind bars which once flew high above snow capped mountains free and unhindered and now reach out to touch the essence of your dreams, when tears and sorrow have embraced your soul, when the temples of your dreams lie in ashes like the ruins of an ancient age gone by and there are no traces of your footsteps within the valley of your dreams.
When the haunting silence of the darkness hangs like a shadow within the depths of your heart. When you cling like a child to the dreams of yesterday, when the light of dawn refuses to appear and the sun refuses to shine, when each day has become an eternal struggle to survive.
When there is no light amongst the darkness within your existence, when your wounds cry out to be healed, when fear has held courage ransom, when your soul stands in solitude and loneliness choking on its tears of isolation under a moon which no longer smiles and no longer yearns to gaze at his children; the stars, when all those around you have betrayed you, when love has left your heart and refuses to return.
When you no longer believe in yourself, when pain and grief are your constant companions, when there is no vision within the mists of your agony, when no one is willing to listen to and understand you, when peace seems to be in a distant world, when life no longer has the belief to run within your veins, when you have become a fugitive within your own mind and shackled like a slave within your own insanity, refuse with every last drop of sacred blood within your bruised and battered body, to surrender your soul to the pains of your existence.
You must believe in yourself-even if all those around you doubt you and in your ability to rise from within the insanity in which your life now finds itself and to stand tall against the obstacles and challenges within your life-and you will conquer all that you believe cannot be conquered and all that which you believed you had lost within your life.
It is from the darkest hours of our lives, from the depths of our despair and pain and in our greatest hour of adversity that we find an inner strength, an inner courage and an inner meaning so vast that it enables us to rise from our knees and stand tall and fight that which has made us weak.
Just as water runs from a stream, as the oak tree grows strong and upright, as snow-the softest and most peaceful of natures elements-covers the most fierce of mountains and tames its anger portraying it merely as a pawn within the hands of nature so new life and meaning will emerge from your own inner source.
Do not at any cost surrender your life to the weaknesses within your life. Do not surrender your life to the mediocre thoughts of others; do not surrender the belief you hold in yourself and in your abilities, do not surrender the dreams that you have worked so hard to hold within the palms of your hands. For what right do others have to judge another's dreams for they have not walked a mile in your shoes! There are no limits to your courage and determination. The only limitations are those that we place upon ourselves. Our thoughts make the world what we want it to be. Mold your thought into a weapon of immense power.
Wipe away the tears from your heart and let your life be brushed by the fingertips of your immortal soul, breathe deep, with purpose and a deep held conviction. There is an inner strength and an inner peace within us all, which the world cannot penetrate and the hypocrisy and ignorance of the human mind cannot poison. Embrace that inner source of strength and you will become fearless and the obstacles within your life will seem insignificant.
You must be undisturbed and stern in your resolve that you are a creature so versatile and resilient that you cannot be defeated and you must hold firm in the conviction that you will not be defeated. You are a creature of boundless beauty and perseverance. You are a creature which can and which will endure. There is nothing that you cannot achieve and there is nothing that you do not have the ability to overcome within your life. Harness the power of your mind for it is your greatest barrier.
You are an individual of immense courage within the battlefield of life and there is no greater battle than that which will be fought with your own life. You must not, despite the pain, the despair, the grief, the intensity, the loneliness within your life, surrender the very essence of your dignity and hope to the enemy which hovers around you in pursuit of conquering both your mind and your soul.
I do not believe in defeat because defeat does not believe in me. I do not believe in fear for I am fearless. I do not believe in pain for I find strength in the weaknesses of my enemies. Within the mist of your despair and the obstacles and challenges that life presents before you be calm and peaceful. An angry and misguided mind will make decisions and judgment based on haste and anger which in the long run will continue to merely add to your suffering whereas the peaceful mind within that moment of insanity will have the ability to bring forth a clear, reasoned judgment and solution to the challenges at hand.
No one owns you so you have not lost anything. Only you can give away or surrender all that you hold to the challenges within your life. Control your mind from its aimless wandering within your own insanity-guide it to think positively and with purpose. Once you have conquered your mind you will also introduce yourself to an inner peace, which will bring meaning and a freedom to both your life and thought.
Do not kneel before anyone for your knees were not made for such purposes, they were made for the purpose of enabling you to stand upright! Be like an elephant, which once upright will not easily be brought to its knees! Adapt your mind, thinking, actions and life to the challenges, which have surrounded your existence.
You and you alone hold the foundations of your dreams and your destiny in the way you approach the challenges and obstacles within your life. Do not falter in the face of adversity; rise to the challenge however difficult it may be. Your difficulties will only be difficult if you believe them to be difficult. How can you fear that which you have never challenged?
Endure and challenge the pains of your existence for freedom will wait for you and it will eventually embrace you. In defeating the challenges within your life continue to be a good person, do not become like your enemies for to do so will deprive your soul of the peace it desires.
You must be like the seasons of the year ever changing, ever adapting, ever growing, and ever challenging. Nature is always in constant change, the old give way to the new, and this is the course of life. Yet within this existence life continues, it evolves and continues to grow despite its pains.
Your time has not yet come to let nature embrace you in its totality, so go forth into the wilderness of your life and reclaim what mother nature granted you at birth; the right to dream, the right to live and the right to be who you want to be. Challenge with the might of your mind and your inner strength all the barriers that your existence places at the gates of your destiny. If you don't risk anything, you risk even more!
For within the midst of our suffering there is a meaning!
In any relationship that becomes stale, there are underlying reasons. I think it behooves us all to determine what those reasons are, and if they have to do with you, think about why that is and what can be done for the next time.
Metaphorically speaking, before I get involved in any relationship, I am sitting under this beautiful tree with tasty fruits, enjoying the sun and whatever I am doing. I'm at peace with the world. Then along comes someone who tantalises and attracts you and so you run after them so they can sit under the tree with you. But then as you start running, you get caught up in the chase and forget about your beautiful tree. As they lead you into dark alleys and unfamiliar and strange places, you no longer want to be there but yet you're unsure about how to get back and since you have come this far you keep going in the hope things will get better. And then things come to a head where you lose them. Slowly you recover and find your way back to the three, but then the cycle repeat. Was it worth it? (: It's amazing to me how much the biology is so influential in why this cycle repeats (and why we feel the desire to be with someone).
Perhaps though the person you're supposed to be with is the one you find when you are coming back to your tree (or a new tree) and you realise you've been under the same tree all along but were always chasing other people to be able to connect with each other.
When the veil of darkness has draped itself around your life and concealed the tears of your pain and despair, when the destiny you had envisaged has all but faded like water amongst the golden sands of the desert, when you stand alone in your hour of adversity and need and no-one is willing to stand beside you, when the battles within your life are on the verge of defeat and ruin, when you are in exile within your own mind, when your heart is empty and is merely watered by the tears of your agonized and anguished soul.
When you feel like a bird caged behind bars which once flew high above snow capped mountains free and unhindered and now reach out to touch the essence of your dreams, when tears and sorrow have embraced your soul, when the temples of your dreams lie in ashes like the ruins of an ancient age gone by and there are no traces of your footsteps within the valley of your dreams.
When the haunting silence of the darkness hangs like a shadow within the depths of your heart. When you cling like a child to the dreams of yesterday, when the light of dawn refuses to appear and the sun refuses to shine, when each day has become an eternal struggle to survive.
When there is no light amongst the darkness within your existence, when your wounds cry out to be healed, when fear has held courage ransom, when your soul stands in solitude and loneliness choking on its tears of isolation under a moon which no longer smiles and no longer yearns to gaze at his children; the stars, when all those around you have betrayed you, when love has left your heart and refuses to return.
When you no longer believe in yourself, when pain and grief are your constant companions, when there is no vision within the mists of your agony, when no one is willing to listen to and understand you, when peace seems to be in a distant world, when life no longer has the belief to run within your veins, when you have become a fugitive within your own mind and shackled like a slave within your own insanity, refuse with every last drop of sacred blood within your bruised and battered body, to surrender your soul to the pains of your existence.
You must believe in yourself-even if all those around you doubt you and in your ability to rise from within the insanity in which your life now finds itself and to stand tall against the obstacles and challenges within your life-and you will conquer all that you believe cannot be conquered and all that which you believed you had lost within your life.
It is from the darkest hours of our lives, from the depths of our despair and pain and in our greatest hour of adversity that we find an inner strength, an inner courage and an inner meaning so vast that it enables us to rise from our knees and stand tall and fight that which has made us weak.
Just as water runs from a stream, as the oak tree grows strong and upright, as snow-the softest and most peaceful of natures elements-covers the most fierce of mountains and tames its anger portraying it merely as a pawn within the hands of nature so new life and meaning will emerge from your own inner source.
Do not at any cost surrender your life to the weaknesses within your life. Do not surrender your life to the mediocre thoughts of others; do not surrender the belief you hold in yourself and in your abilities, do not surrender the dreams that you have worked so hard to hold within the palms of your hands. For what right do others have to judge another's dreams for they have not walked a mile in your shoes! There are no limits to your courage and determination. The only limitations are those that we place upon ourselves. Our thoughts make the world what we want it to be. Mold your thought into a weapon of immense power.
Wipe away the tears from your heart and let your life be brushed by the fingertips of your immortal soul, breathe deep, with purpose and a deep held conviction. There is an inner strength and an inner peace within us all, which the world cannot penetrate and the hypocrisy and ignorance of the human mind cannot poison. Embrace that inner source of strength and you will become fearless and the obstacles within your life will seem insignificant.
You must be undisturbed and stern in your resolve that you are a creature so versatile and resilient that you cannot be defeated and you must hold firm in the conviction that you will not be defeated. You are a creature of boundless beauty and perseverance. You are a creature which can and which will endure. There is nothing that you cannot achieve and there is nothing that you do not have the ability to overcome within your life. Harness the power of your mind for it is your greatest barrier.
You are an individual of immense courage within the battlefield of life and there is no greater battle than that which will be fought with your own life. You must not, despite the pain, the despair, the grief, the intensity, the loneliness within your life, surrender the very essence of your dignity and hope to the enemy which hovers around you in pursuit of conquering both your mind and your soul.
I do not believe in defeat because defeat does not believe in me. I do not believe in fear for I am fearless. I do not believe in pain for I find strength in the weaknesses of my enemies. Within the mist of your despair and the obstacles and challenges that life presents before you be calm and peaceful. An angry and misguided mind will make decisions and judgment based on haste and anger which in the long run will continue to merely add to your suffering whereas the peaceful mind within that moment of insanity will have the ability to bring forth a clear, reasoned judgment and solution to the challenges at hand.
No one owns you so you have not lost anything. Only you can give away or surrender all that you hold to the challenges within your life. Control your mind from its aimless wandering within your own insanity-guide it to think positively and with purpose. Once you have conquered your mind you will also introduce yourself to an inner peace, which will bring meaning and a freedom to both your life and thought.
Do not kneel before anyone for your knees were not made for such purposes, they were made for the purpose of enabling you to stand upright! Be like an elephant, which once upright will not easily be brought to its knees! Adapt your mind, thinking, actions and life to the challenges, which have surrounded your existence.
You and you alone hold the foundations of your dreams and your destiny in the way you approach the challenges and obstacles within your life. Do not falter in the face of adversity; rise to the challenge however difficult it may be. Your difficulties will only be difficult if you believe them to be difficult. How can you fear that which you have never challenged?
Endure and challenge the pains of your existence for freedom will wait for you and it will eventually embrace you. In defeating the challenges within your life continue to be a good person, do not become like your enemies for to do so will deprive your soul of the peace it desires.
You must be like the seasons of the year ever changing, ever adapting, ever growing, and ever challenging. Nature is always in constant change, the old give way to the new, and this is the course of life. Yet within this existence life continues, it evolves and continues to grow despite its pains.
Your time has not yet come to let nature embrace you in its totality, so go forth into the wilderness of your life and reclaim what mother nature granted you at birth; the right to dream, the right to live and the right to be who you want to be. Challenge with the might of your mind and your inner strength all the barriers that your existence places at the gates of your destiny. If you don't risk anything, you risk even more!
For within the midst of our suffering there is a meaning!
In any relationship that becomes stale, there are underlying reasons. I think it behooves us all to determine what those reasons are, and if they have to do with you, think about why that is and what can be done for the next time.
Metaphorically speaking, before I get involved in any relationship, I am sitting under this beautiful tree with tasty fruits, enjoying the sun and whatever I am doing. I'm at peace with the world. Then along comes someone who tantalises and attracts you and so you run after them so they can sit under the tree with you. But then as you start running, you get caught up in the chase and forget about your beautiful tree. As they lead you into dark alleys and unfamiliar and strange places, you no longer want to be there but yet you're unsure about how to get back and since you have come this far you keep going in the hope things will get better. And then things come to a head where you lose them. Slowly you recover and find your way back to the three, but then the cycle repeat. Was it worth it? (: It's amazing to me how much the biology is so influential in why this cycle repeats (and why we feel the desire to be with someone).
Perhaps though the person you're supposed to be with is the one you find when you are coming back to your tree (or a new tree) and you realise you've been under the same tree all along but were always chasing other people to be able to connect with each other.
it has been a long time since i have been here.
I don’t know where to start. I guess I should start by saying everything has fallen apart.
I sit here while I think what I can or can't write. There are feelings attached to everything I write. I have learnt so much since moving to Melbourne. Words matter and actions matter even more. I started this blog in June last year when everything was up in the air and I was feeling so fucking much that I could hardly breathe without the most agonising pain in my chest shooting through my heart.
Maybe ill just get called a young naive girl who is lovesick. All I know is that I have never ever felt something so real.
While feeling something so real I felt so surreal. The way I left Brisbane for Melbourne was tainted from the start. I left my first true love of nearly 5 yrs, my childhood companion to be with my obsession. I met Benjamin’s soul before I met him. I don’t even know how or why it happened. These are questions ill never have answers too. I have tried to unravel the last 9months but every time I try to do so I just become more tangled. I don’t know whether to let go. If you love something shouldn’t you fight? Doesn’t everyone want someone to fight for him or her? I know I ended up here because of myself. I led myself to my fate and now I sit here on the lounge room floor in the cold listening to music while my fingers type away non-stop on the keyboard. I don’t even know what I am going to write. I just let my fingers connect with the keyboard and words become displayed on the screen. I think I have backspaced once and I promised myself I wont again. I guess this is spilling my soul to myself? I don’t want to go into detail because I will be up for weeks writing with rigid fingers and bloodshot eyes while empty coffee cups are sprawled at my feet. I honestly don’t know what to do anymore. I watch as he walks away and shuts me out more every day. How did it end up like this all so fast? I blinked and it fell apart. I don’t blame anyone but myself, how could I? Look what I have done. I’m not perfect.
I do know how to feel and love though and I know every second of every day my heart was in it… somehow I lost sight though. Maybe its because I am young? Maybe because I carry guilt? I guess this will come clear to me one day. I know I'm exactly where I am supposed to be. I have learnt so much and I have grown so much. I feel I have a long way to go but don’t we all? Maybe in a year ill look back on this and think oh dear what crocodile tears, or maybe in 20 years ill look back and ill feel the wound like its just been cut. I don’t know. All I know is that I sit here writing knowing I can’t do anything to stop him from letting go.
I believe this to be true love. I feel it. I breathe it. I bleed it.
Yours sincerely,
Tragic crumb.
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