it has been a long time since i have been here.

I don’t know where to start. I guess I should start by saying everything has fallen apart.

I sit here while I think what I can or can't write. There are feelings attached to everything I write. I have learnt so much since moving to Melbourne. Words matter and actions matter even more. I started this blog in June last year when everything was up in the air and I was feeling so fucking much that I could hardly breathe without the most agonising pain in my chest shooting through my heart.

Maybe ill just get called a young naive girl who is lovesick. All I know is that I have never ever felt something so real.

While feeling something so real I felt so surreal. The way I left Brisbane for Melbourne was tainted from the start. I left my first true love of nearly 5 yrs, my childhood companion to be with my obsession. I met Benjamin’s soul before I met him. I don’t even know how or why it happened. These are questions ill never have answers too. I have tried to unravel the last 9months but every time I try to do so I just become more tangled. I don’t know whether to let go. If you love something shouldn’t you fight? Doesn’t everyone want someone to fight for him or her? I know I ended up here because of myself. I led myself to my fate and now I sit here on the lounge room floor in the cold listening to music while my fingers type away non-stop on the keyboard. I don’t even know what I am going to write. I just let my fingers connect with the keyboard and words become displayed on the screen. I think I have backspaced once and I promised myself I wont again. I guess this is spilling my soul to myself? I don’t want to go into detail because I will be up for weeks writing with rigid fingers and bloodshot eyes while empty coffee cups are sprawled at my feet. I honestly don’t know what to do anymore. I watch as he walks away and shuts me out more every day. How did it end up like this all so fast? I blinked and it fell apart. I don’t blame anyone but myself, how could I? Look what I have done. I’m not perfect.

I do know how to feel and love though and I know every second of every day my heart was in it… somehow I lost sight though. Maybe its because I am young? Maybe because I carry guilt? I guess this will come clear to me one day. I know I'm exactly where I am supposed to be. I have learnt so much and I have grown so much. I feel I have a long way to go but don’t we all? Maybe in a year ill look back on this and think oh dear what crocodile tears, or maybe in 20 years ill look back and ill feel the wound like its just been cut. I don’t know. All I know is that I sit here writing knowing I can’t do anything to stop him from letting go.

I believe this to be true love. I feel it. I breathe it. I bleed it.

Yours sincerely,

Tragic crumb.