I am not a depressed soul, I hardly ever feel down, Even though at this point in time I feel great sadness I am still constantly smiling. Watching leaves fall from the trees or a blue sky makes me smile. I truly am so blessed in life and I would never take that for granted, however, I am a soul. I am made up of cells and feelings.
He drew me to him so fast and hard. I became obsessed straight from the word go. Nothing could have stopped it. I spoke to him from the end of May till the very start of July over the Internet. He is a friend with a lot of my close friends so he was a distant acquaintance. We spoke for about 4 - 6weeks. Never anything sexual or anything like that, as I was not single, I fell for him though pretty much from the beginning. I think it was the fresh vibrant attention that made me feel crazy. It was so intense. It consumed me whole. I ended up visiting him late June. It was like a dream. I was in a dream state. Everything did not seem real. I almost felt numb but at the same time I felt so alive. He was air to me. I could not function because everything I am went into being obsessed with him. I flew to Melbourne back and forth from Brisbane almost too many times to count within a month. It was such an adventure it was real. I ended up moving here in July and I moved straight in with him. It was amazing. It felt so right that it was almost wrong. The guilt I felt though was unbearable. While I lay curled up in his arms in bliss another was having his heart pulled out and stomped on until it was non-existent. I don’t think I can ever really feel okay with that. Its something I think about every day. I don’t regret anything though. I wish I did everything better but I do not regret the path I chose because now I am a different person. I am evolving every day and I shed a layer of skin and grow a new one every time I wake up to a new day. I feel like I'm just starting to touch the surface of whom I am.
This is a very shortcut way of telling you about the situation but like I have said in my earlier posts on my blog, I really could not ever really tell every detail or every feeling because that is simply impossible. I have lived in Melbourne for almost a year but it feels like one day.
Things didn’t just fall apart when I arrived, quite the opposite. I didn’t think what have I done!? I felt amazing, although if you could see past my shell you would see that I was holding a lot of guilt and I did look over my should at my past almost every day. Its not that I regretted it because I didn’t, its that I felt I left a path of destruction behind and if you knew me you would understand I simply could not deal with that. I hate having enemies and I hate hurting people, yet I had hurt the person I had loved the most all my life. In saying that though, nothing could take me away from the reason I moved to Melbourne. He was my everything. I felt sick thinking about losing him. He consumed my soul, every single micro fiber.
We hung out 24/7 and it felt extremely weird to be without him. He was my safe house my shelter from everything I knew I had left behind. He made me feel beyond amazing. He was my drug. We never really had a yelling fight or even really a fight. It was more of a sadness that I know we both felt because I could not let go of things or do things right.
Every day we spent together was unique. It always felt amazing. It always felt like a dream. Sometimes I resented him because I felt he didn’t see the world through my eyes. He would tell me I lived in a dreamland. He would constantly reality check me and to be honest even though I felt resentment at times I also loved it. I always felt he meant the best for me and I always looked up to him and tried to follow in his steps and learn from him, he is so intelligent and driven, he is a provider and he would honestly go to the ends of the earth for me or any girl he ends up with. I loved him & I was infatuated! Every day with him was a blessing and I will hold on to every precious little memory. I loved the way he was about reality and I loved the way I was a dreamer. It was a good mix. I know we nourished each other’s soul. It was just something unspoken; we just got each other even though sometimes it felt we didn’t.
We did have the highest highs but with that comes the lowest lows. It wasn’t that we fought or even had big fights. It was just like hitting a wall that we both, equally, so badly wanted to get over. We actually hated wasting any of our time to something negative. We both would get sad because we didn’t understand why it would be so hard at times but I know it was I. I stumbled over my past while my future was becoming blurred. He tried his best. He tried to make it work, many of times. I almost felt in control of my love for him by not letting it be smooth sailing. So very selfish I know. I cant explain why I would want to be in control of something so rad but if you have ever fallen so hard for something that it made you feel crazy or loved something so much that you would choose it over air then maybe you would understand why I wanted to control it. To free-fall is fucking scary. It scared the life out of me, the way I felt for him made me sick. I would sometimes think to myself, get a grip. I don’t know if anyone will truly understand the shoes I walk in and I am sure I would not understand yours.
To be with someone from 15 and grow up with them has a lasting impact on you, forever. You never truly let go because in a way that is your childhood and it is a part of you. I never wanted to hurt either of them. I never wanted for it to end up like this but this is my conviction and I will bare it for it will make me a better soul.
I wish I were more honest with what is inside. I have just started being honest to myself and the feelings I have which I have very much tried to keep bottled up and push down to the deepest pits of my heart. I know that the person I was with him was very much me but also very much not me. I think if I didn’t have my past I would have never ever done the things I did. I would have never let him go. I would have never given him a shadow of a doubt. I would have given him my all and I would have done everything in my power to treat him well and make him feel like he had found his soul mate. The way I did things was destructive and I did them so I could write my own fate. Like I said, I felt in control in a situation where I felt my feelings were so out of control. I know ill never do the things I did again.
Whoever I spend my life with I will treat like the most precious gold a man could have. I will never let myself destroy myself again. I know from this day forward I am going to be my words and I will let go of everything. I have let go of both of them. I know everything is going to turn out just fine and I will end up in exactly the right place. I love that I can write these things and smile and feel warm. Even though its all said and done I know tomorrow brings a new meaning.
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